Not For Nothing!
by Mairemor
Summary: Join Eric & Sookie at the party Claude Crane throws for his favorite Texas Ranger,enjoy the show, and see what wonders are revealed!


**Not F****or Nothing!**

Weekly One Shot Challenge Week 17 Complete

Theme: Chuck Norris Doesn't Shower, He Only Takes Bloodbaths

(Don't F*** With Chuck!)

**AN**_**: **__This is a sequel of sorts to Nothing Is Not in which the intrepid Claude Crane attempted to woo Chuck Norris! This one is dedicated to Meads, my fellow Norrist, who chose the challenge this week. LOL __An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds f-awesome_ : D

These are CH's characters. I don't own them, and only take them out to play. Chuck Norris owns himself as well as the known Universe.

*************************

Eric zipped up the back of Sookie's fuchsia, off the shoulder, ruched satin dress, trailing his fingers softly along the delicate skin at the base of her neck. Kirsten and Adele had fed and should sleep during the several hours that Pam would be watching them. Pam loved the girls, but hated diaper duty with a passion so fierce that her fangs ran out and her nose wrinkled at the thought! But, as Eric's child, it was her occasional duty to care for her little "sisters" when her maker took his wife out for the evening.

Sookie turned to Eric and adjusted his tie.

Her brow creased, "I'm really excited about going to Claude's Caprice Lounge, and about meeting a real celebrity, but I still don't get why all of you guys, even vamps, are so pumped up about Chuck Norris!"

Eric just smiled indulgently, and shrugged on his Armani jacket.

"There is more to Chuck Norris than you know! If Hollywood actually had a cock and balls, an admirable pair would be swinging between Norris's thighs."

He shook his head in wonder. "His gracious plenty is rumored to exceed even mine. That is why it is said that Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse; horses are hung like Chuck Norris! For some, the left ball is larger than the right one, but for Chuck, each ball is larger than the other! There are secrets to his life my lover! For over thirty years he has laid waste to countless adversaries both onscreen _and _off. He's owned Bruce Lee, kicked the crap out of David Carridine, and schooled countless others in the art of manliness. His huge assets even make tighty whities look good! Besides, the magnificent pelt he wears across his face makes him the god of facial hair! And indeed, min älskare, the goddess Hlin has revealed a secret to me which explains why Chuck is a man that even a vampire must respect. "

He lowered his voice in awe, "It is said that he has counted to infinity twice, and for that there is only one explanation!"

The recent flurry of Chuck related activity in the Supernatural community was due to the advent of The Bearded One for a March 10th birthday bash. After a very substantial donation to Chuck's " Save the Grizzlies Foundation," and several months of talks with Norris's events coordinator, Claude Crane had scored his penultimate desire and was hosting a birthday bash for his hero ! In preparation for the event Vamps, Shifters, Fae and Humans had each hosted their own Norrist sausage fests, collectively known as "Don't F*** With Chuck Week"

Part of the vamps' entertainment had taken place at the Northman's home, where the male vamps had assembled with their Bloods to watch _A Force of One, Invasion USA, Good Guys Wear Black, The Delta Force_ and the entire six seasons of _Walker Texas Ranger._

Every evening Sookie heard undead males chanting, "McCoy it's a go! TAKE'M DOWN!", "Hell, Fuckin' Yeah!", " Cue the _shit in the terrorist's mouth_ theme song!" and, of course "Don't F*** with Chuck!" They hooted and cheered when some dumb-ass would sneer, "Ranger you've got no right," and Chuck roundhouse kicked them, and then observed "I think that's a pretty good right."

By the time the week was over, Sookie wondered whether Chuck Norris had some virile Norristic ability to glamour vamps! The vamps had even planned a tribute skit for the party night and, since they were competing against other rival groups for Chuck's attention, Eric had made them practice mercilessly.

When one of the younger vamps, named Sidney, had whined that he would rather meet his final death than do the skit in front of Chuck, Eric had actually pulled out a stake and shook it in front of Sidney's nose, "I, your Sheriff, am sending you out onto that stage and you will perform and make Chuck laugh!"

He grinned broadly in full battle display, "As I have said before, I do not respond well to threats, and I will _not_ be upstaged by weres, fairies, or breathers! I will be watching you from the wings!"

***********************************

Claude Crane's Caprice Lounge was in the final throes of decorator frenzy. Every tablecloth was exactly positioned. Every place setting featured a framed picture of Chuck staring holes through the cameraman, his fists clenched beneath veined and bulging arm-porn forearms and biceps. Every centerpiece included a Chuck Norris action figure and an actual can of Whoop-Ass.

Claude called his crew of male performers to the front stage for a final perusal.

His beautiful hazel eyes swept from performer to performer, and a smile of satisfaction dimpled the corners of his mouth, "You're perfect boys, just perfect! Chuck should get a kick out of this!"

His usually waxed and smoothed cheeked performers had been Chuckscaped to a man!

To reach this stage of pelted perfection, each muscled washboard, and chiseled jaw was deprived of all waxing and shaving for an entire month. When Lava Lars, the Fireman, had complained, Claude (whose face was still as smooth as a baby's behind) had lectured the whole staff like a general before a battle,

"A true Norrist worships and encourages hair on the neck, face and chest! There are too many waxed pecs for this event! It's time to take back your manhood, cultivate that body hair, and allow your man scent to brew!"-

Each male performer represented a character from one of Norris's movies or TV series and each would perform with a nubile female performer. Walker's Texas rangerette was performing in little more than a g-string and a Stetson with two deputy badges covering her perky nipples.

But the star of the show was the magnificent burlesque artist Summer Meadows, a latter day Sally Rand, whose ostrich plume and silk fan routines had resurrected the immensely graceful and sexy art of fan dancing.

As the grand finale, she was scheduled to burst from the prerequisite birthday cake, ending the program with her jaw dropping routine. Her hourglass figure, long perfect legs, beautiful oval face, and long waving chestnut hair, ensured that all eyes would be glued upon the magnificent body just visible behind the ostrich plumes.

******************************

The guests were assembling and Eric and Sookie were lucky enough to share a table with the Chuckmeister himself. The preliminary show commenced with clips from all of Norris's movies, films, and stills accompanied by a "movie music tribute" which raised the testosterone level of the male guests into the danger zone.

When the stirring music had subsided, Claude bounded to the stage, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a big round of applause to the man of the hour; the only man who can slam a revolving door and sneeze with his eyes open, Chuck Norris!"

When Chuck walked in looking twenty years younger than his actual age, the guests rose in unison roaring and clapping with approval.

While Chuck was greeting other guests, Eric took a good look at him, and glanced at a vamp named Orlando, who nodded.

Eric leaned over to Sookie, "It's true, lover! Norris truly is the son of Thor, the guardian and defender of earth! The vampire Orlando has the gift of x-ray vision. He confirms that Chuck's mighty hammer bears a hammer birthmark! This explains all of the incredible things that he can do! They say that he has defied Newton's third law: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick! He is actually older than I am! Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined 'victim' as 'one who has encountered Chuck Norris. I am certain that the goddess would not tell me untruths, but I wonder who his mother might be…"

Just then Chuck came to the table. He seemed perfectly at ease amongst the shifters, vamps, smattering of wary Fae, and in-the-know humans.

After the male-female reviews were finished, there was a break for desert, dancing, and socializing.

Chuck couldn't resist a pretty woman, and was more than happy to have a spin around the floor with Sookie, while poor Claude regarded him with almost tragic longing.

Sookie leaned toward Chuck; the vamps would probably hear anyway, but as Eric had whisked them back behind the stage for one more rehearsal before the skits, maybe not!

"Is it true, that you're the son of the big red haired guy with the giant hammer? I've met one or two of that crew, so you can tell me."

Chucks eyes twinkled, "Yes, But I only found that out recently! I try to keep the powers under my hat, but someone leaked! Thanks goodness most people just think that all of those norrisms are silly jokes!"

Sookie smiled encouragingly, "How about your mom?"

Chuck frowned slightly, "That's one of the reasons I came here tonight…"

They seated themselves to watch the skits. The Weres had made a Chuck Norris village inhabited by Chuckokage who proclaimed, "This is the ultimate village! We can't be defeated because Chuck Norris is on our side. We are superior! When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part!"

Then they all chanted "Join us in our ninja killing quest! Norris is your worst fear; Frost doesn't bite Chuck, Chuck bites frost!"

Then, it was the vamp's turn. They had constructed, with god knows whose hair, a large puppet-like mask whose bottom half was fully bearded. It took several Vamps to manipulate it like a kabuki puppet.

A deep voice announced "I am the beard of the ages! I am Chuck Norris's beard. I am your worst fear. Behind this beard there is no chin, only another fist! I have followed Chuck on all of his adventures since his twin set dropped. Like Samson's hair, I am the mystical source of his power. If you rub me on a dying animal, it will come back to life. If you rub me on a man, he will grow two inches in the place where it counts the most. My hairs will garrote your enemies! I was on the face of the fourth wise man who gave Jesus the gift of Beard…look upon me all you mighty and despair!"

She could tell through the bond that Eric was virtually biting his nails in the wings. She was relieved when Chuck chuckled and applauded; at least none of the cast would get staked now!

The Fae sang a number based upon "There's no Business Like Show Business," which was funny because every hairy guy was a Fairy guy singing "There's no business like Chuck's business," while roundhouse kicking faux villains to the curb.

Finally, the large cake was wheeled out and the entire crowd sang "Happy Birthday" to Chuck. His very beard hair stood on end as the delectable Summer Meadows popped out of the cake and moved about Chuck sensually and playfully, revealing and concealing her class A curves with the large, ostrich feather fans. The assembled crowd held its breath as she played with the resistance of air against the feathers and framed her perfect contours. The guests oohed and called out as she ran the feathers over her satin, smooth skin transmitting her enjoyment of the textures and sensations to the crowd.

Although she had barely revealed anything outright, the knowledge that she was naked behind those plumes made it the sexiest dance Sookie had ever seen!

All of the Vamps' fangs had run out and Eric was regarding her with a hot light in his eyes. Sookie had a feeling that she might be receiving a boxed set of crimson fans with lessons included in the very near future!

After whispering something in Summer Meadow's ear that made her smile and blush, Chuck called Claude over to the table. He stood up and engulfed Claude is a brief bear hug. Claude's knees buckled slightly, just before he managed to sink into his chair.

Chuck went to the area that Claude had provided and addressed his guests in a strong, cordial voice.

"Thank you all for being a part of this wonderful birthday! Thanks, Claude, for making it a perfect evening! Now, there is something in my heart that I need to share with you, my friends. It is especially important for me now, here in Claude's club. There are certain aspects of my life that _must_ come out of the closet, things that I can no longer conceal, because they are so much a part of my nature."

A hush fell over the guests. Claude's eyes were as big as saucers. Sookie actually caught his thoughts "Yes! Yes! Tear the wall down. I always knew it! Please, please bring it out in the open! There's hope for us after all."

There were others in the audience, inwardly groaning, "Another one bites the dust. Who would have thought?"

Before anyone could speculate further, a horrible noise, like bones grating in thick gelatinous goop, presaged the onset of a shifter's change.

Then, the guests stood, and gave the great Grizzly Bear that was Chuck Norris a standing ovation.

Summer Meadows walked to the stage, totally unafraid, transformed into a Bird of Paradise, and perched upon Chuck the Bear's shoulder. The shifters when wild!

Eric shook his head. "I could smell only the blood. He must have masked his scent! It must be true then, "Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths!"

As they were driving home from Chuck's birthday reveal, Erick chuckled. "Summer was a very lucky girl to pop out of that birthday cake intact!

Sookie's voice rose in alarm, "Why? It all went so smoothly, even the transformations!"

"But it might not have gone quite so smoothly, had it been another time in the lunar cycle! I just found out that a particular norrism did happen on a full moon birthday when Chuck was 21."

"And that would be?"

Eric snorted "The one that goes, 'Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.' "

***********************************

Please make me a lucky girl and review! *hugs* LOL --My new norrism--Only Chuck Norris can glamour a Vamp.

**************************************


End file.
